Monday
Even though I slept late last night, I still managed to wake up before my alarm this morning omo, I was constipated throughout the night, please do not ask me what I ate, it was one of those problems no dey finish nights. This morning 6:30 am weirdly looked like 7:30 am, everywhere was so bright and oddly warm.
Guys, I scare so easily, I was walking along that Ijeh road, and that’s how at the corner of my eye, I saw a snake moving towards me, then the snake became a cat, then a chicken and then a snake again, I was about to run from this shapeshifter when I realised that it was a nylon bag that was just following the direction of the wind towards me. Anyway, my superstitious self sha still moved away from the nylon fast because as much as no weapon formed against me shall prosper, we will still run from any weapon-like objects.
Lagos instincts saved me from kidnappers, or not.
I escaped getting kidnapped today, okay, maybe not kidnapped but hear me out guys. I was on my way home and I stopped a bus, the guy was going to Ajah, this bus was painted dark green and was looking very new, so I was sceptical, then I asked the guy how much to Jakande and he said 500, omo if you see how I turned, I told him “Oga, you don’t know Jakande”, of course, guys, follow my train of thoughts, normally Jakande is 300 and sometimes if they want to do shakara 400 naira, so for this guy to have told me 500 it means he does not know the way things go and that means HE IS A KIDNAPPER!!!! I was grateful because I got another bus almost immediately and the non-kidnapper driver said 300 to Jakanade.
Monday II
The gate man at the estate gate this morning was dancing and was so happy and cheerful, I hope what made him happy continues to do so because in this Lagos we need all the happy energy we can draw from others.
So I stopped this shuttle this morning and told the man that I did not have change and that I had 1000 naira on me, he said I should enter, then he later said that I should give him 500 and collect 500, I told him that this was salary week and I did not have extra cash, he told me to withdraw, I told him I had no money in my account and he was like “How you go talk say you no get money and you dey stay Victory park” (I usually cross to the front of Victory park estate to catch a bus), this man nor know nothing, because if he does he would consider the fact that I could be squatting. Anyway, he did not collect any money from me, na so God butter my bread.
On this bus that I entered this morning, I was scrolling through Twitter when the girl beside me realised she had passed her bus stop at Sandfill, the woman beside her was now telling me that she forgot herself because she was busy scrolling through Facebook she was like “the girl just dey operate her phone and she no dey look where she dey go, my sister e no good oh”, lol, I did not know what to say because I was doing the same thing just on Twitter. I just remembered when my mum would say “this your phone will put you in trouble”. I sha smiled and said yes oh, and continued scrolling through Twitter, there is no way I will ever miss my way to Obalende, it is the last bus stop.
Wednesday
This morning oh, the bus I entered to the junction eh, see these two guys were gisting and I got the entire tea on the happenings in their company, I think they work with a security firm and they were complaining about one of their supervisors or something, apparently the guy has been giving them a lot of issues to the extent that one of them had to shun him one day, they were still planning on how they would report him to one of the higher-ups.
So what is it with agberos and calling girls ‘fine girl’ all the time, like when you call a girl who is sitting inside a bus, who can see you and your sachet of paraga ‘fine girl’, what do you want her to respond with? Fine boy? You see the lawlessness of our country right? As I got to Jakande, you know those bushes by the sidewalk, I saw a guy doing a number 2 in there and it is so annoying because that place now just smells like dookie some people have to resort to wearing facemasks whenever they are passing that place, now this one was doing a number 2 and was drinking at the same time.
Imagine you are running late for work and you jump into a bus and the next thing you hear from a passenger is “keke is faster than this bus”, I wanted to put my hands on my head because what? On this same bus, there was this lady right, she saw a guy hawking face masks and called him, one would think she called him for an important issue, but no oh, she called him to ask why he was still selling face masks in her words “dem still dey wear mask, why you dey sell am” and throughout that interaction, all I wanted to say was, “aunty mind your business and let the guy sell his market”, I honestly do not understand what her problem was. Shortly after this, the lady pulled out her phone and was listening to these facebook prayers without headphones and proceeded to shout amen on the bus, I just shook my head, na dem.
This bus was truly slower than keke but that is not what got the passengers shouting, when we go to Marwa, we saw traffic at Lekki first gate but you all know that there is always traffic there right? This driver now wanted to turn and pass inside Marwa, like bro, is there a single day that there is no traffic on the way to Lekki first gate, what is the colour of your problem you this guy.
Na why people no dey help people be this.
Carter Efe, 2022
So this conductor had given me my change oh, but when we got to Awolowo road, he needed to give someone 200 naira and he did not have any so I volunteered mine, the worst decision I made this morning, when we got to Obalende, the bus stopped us close to Ijeh but this conductor made me walk with him to Moloney to collect change, on the way to Moloney, he did not ask a single trader or bus driver to help him with change, when I pointed this out, he did not answer me, I then told him that what he was doing was not fair, because if I had known I would not have given him that 200 naira, omo see insult wey this guy start eh. So my people stay wicked.
Of all the things that could happen to someone on a bus, I never factored a tyre in, but let me gist you, on the bus back home, I got to Jakande and as I was coming down from the bus, I did not know that the guy that came down before me was going to offload a tyre he kept at the top of the bus, next thing oh, the tyre landed on my head, the ouch I ouched eh, na only God go save us in this Lagos.
Wednesday II
Shisha Bus
I was in this bus and then smoke started filling the bus, at first I thought it was the exhaust from another vehicle, but it kept happening then I heard the lady behind me calling “driver driver”, I turned and noticed the smoke was coming from our bus, and they were telling this driver, he did not want to stop and check what was going on, omo I had to shout oh, I asked him if we were going to proceed to obalende like this, guys we were at Sandfill and I was already choking. They had to put us on another bus, you see the bus they put us eh, there was this woman beside me on the old bus, as we entered this new one, she saw her friend if you see gist eh, I kuku said thank God for her life every disappointment is a blessing.
Friday
Today seems like an ultra-lazy Friday, people seem to not be in hurry, cars are moving at a slow pace, even shuttles do not seem to be forthcoming, you see, I love Fridays.
So this guy was catcalling me and when I ignored another guy said, you see all these ladies them dey call am, e no go answer later them go say dem no see husband so because I am looking for husband I should answer your ‘heys aunty, your face show your shoe shine call’?
I am proud of YOU!. You made it to the end, if you liked it, please like, comment and share, if you did not, please tell me next week. Love ya!
ngozzyka's Blog 