DIARY OF A BUS HOPPING LAGOS GIRL 9

Sunday

I was on my way to work and this conductor was calling 200 naira for CMS on a Sunday, when we started turning back the driver asked him to collect 150 naira. Thank God for his life, if not he would have driven a fully ventilated bus to CMS.

I was just feeling so self-conscious as I was out today, I wore a white tank top, I regretted that the moment I started sweating. Honestly, guys, I do not avoid white clothes when I am in other states because even if I wanted to get to the market in Ogun state, it would take me 30 minutes tops in travel time both to and fro so there is hardly enough time for it to get messy, but in Lagos, mba nu, from Costain to Idumota is how many light years again? So I was walking so self consciously, that I could not relax on the bus and all, and at the end of the day, I got home to see enough stains on the top.

So I took a bus to Costain, you know those Orile buses when this man said he was going to pass Costain and not the National Theatre as usual because he had Costain passengers, the other passengers going to Orile grumbled about this but he did not seem to listen so I thought oh well, this must be good, until this man, this man did the entire 360 degrees round the Costain roundabout and dropped me close to the National Theatre, you guys do not understand why this annoys me so much, it’s better that I get dropped at the National Theatre than for the driver to deceive me that he is being considerate and then do the 360. It is almost heartbreaking.

Monday

You see this thing I usually say about Lagos landlords. I was asleep when my phone rang at 2am this morning, it was my elder brother, he said he heard a building collapsed at Ebutte-Metta and he wanted to be sure I was okay, I stay at Ebutte-Metta, in case you were wondering, later on, I realised it was close to my area though. Then I heard they retrieved the first dead body from the building, it is just sad right because it’s not every time the greedy landlord gets to die with his innocent tenants. I have said this thing before, there should be a regulation to this thing, pass a law or something that makes sure before anyone builds a house the ground there is tested to see how many stories that can be erected, give standard dimensions for the room, kitchen and living room sizes, try to ensure that substandard products are not used for buildings. This is a lot of work but we are talking about human beings dying in their sleep, struggling for hours, praying a search and rescue party would show up, and dying of suffocation and injuries.

So the federal government has changed their mind about the 3-day public holiday. They have decided just today and tomorrow would be ideal. These people are not good for anything, even holidays.

So I decided to go and see my parents in Ogun state, it has been a while, thanks to Lagos. So I went to Ketu to catch a bus. My bag was heavy and I hired one of these barrow guys to carry my bag from the bus stop to the park. When I got to the park, I told the loader that I needed Abeokuta car, he said “Bus”, I said “No car”, he pointed in the direction, I was going there and next thing he just shouted at my barrow guy to carry my bag to the bus, I was stunned, it was then I realized, he was not loading for the car but the bus so he was trying his best to ensure I entered the bus, I shouted “Car” at him once more and walked away. Everyone likes money sha, but must you coerce or cheat to get it?

Apparently not only Lagosians are mad

Let me explain, when I got home, omo I was super busy, you know what it means to be a girl visiting home, you will cook all the soup and stew before you even get the chance to sit. Well, I dropped my bags and went to the market to buy some things. So my okada was stuck in traffic at the market (not the Lagos kind of traffic oh), so we were moving little by little and this guy just came from nowhere hissed and started pushing my bike for no reason, I had to ask “Oga wetin dey do you” he then used Ibo to respond “Common get your waist out of here”.

They did not tell him who I am sha, they didn’t do orientation for him, when I started with him eh, the women there were just begging me to leave him “Abi something dey worry you, abeg if frustration wan finish you, go find who frustrate you before you go buy market wey you no price”, those were the nicest things I said, I could be sweet sometimes.

But I still like Ogun state, everything moves slowly.

Tuesday

Back again

I miss Ogun

So I left Ogun state today.

As my bus entered Lagos state I began to curse the person who changed the holiday decision, the person who approved it, the person who typed the press conference papers, the person who swept the conference room, the news people that went to hear the news, the microphone(I promise you will end up with mummy G.O), the chairs, that minister of inside things and his diagonally designed cap.

Even the sun in Lagos hits different, this sun was made to burn the skin and remind you that you do not have a car and that is why you are sitting on a bus and that if you do not double your hustle, it will keep hitting you, and you wonder “Why so harsh?”.

Whenever I talk about the landfill at the toll gate, I hope you know the toll gate I am referring to, the one close to the entrance to Ikeja or so. Well guys, have you noticed that the stench at that tollgate has started trekking towards CMD at that Magodo side, abeg why is this landfill in question at the middle of civilisation.

Wednesday

Lasisi Elenu has nothing on me right now

I am still so pissed that the federal government changed their minds about the public holiday. Now I have to go to the bus stop and take a bus to work, sit in traffic and all, the most exciting part about going to work for me is the work itself, all these other activities na serenren.

I was at work when the rain started to fall, I did not bring my slippers to work, better rain oh. It is just so annoying because I started dreading the journey home, because of the Nile. Unluckily for me, there was no knight in shiny armour to carry me in his car so I can avoid the water, so I had to cross, but the water was not so much sha. The bottom line is I just have to go and sew my shoe.

I hope I do not forget to bring my slippers tomorrow.

As I was walking inside the estate, I noticed something, so Dolphin houses are semi-detached duplexes yeah?. And it just strikes me as funny when I see these houses playing words and opposite. Like some houses would be so clean and well taken care of, while the house attached to them is a mess. Reminds me of beauty and the beast, only this beast may never become a prince.

These men with their siren vehicles lol, I know I have spoken about this before, but imagine being in standstill traffic and you are blowing siren and banging your car for cars to clear, cars to clear to where exactly?. Like I said we know your car is special so hit that big red button and let your car fly over the entire traffic and stop trying to make us deaf, the horns of other cars are already doing a good job with that.

I saw cherries (agbalumo) in May, May. You guys know that this is a miracle, I quickly bought like 500 nairas worth because….

Wait oh, these cherries that I am seeing like this in May, is it related to this climate change people are talking about?

Hopping the buses in Lagos is stressful, but driving, is stressful too, I do not have a car but I usually wonder, imagine how restless we get when in traffic, what about the person behind the wheels, the person who has to stop and restart the car. Those I envy are those who have drivers or those who take Uber everywhere, you just sit back and relax, all though na your pocket go tell.

Thursday

See wahala

There was an accident at Costain this morning, it was minor but then it was caused by an okada rider, do I need to emphasize how much it can only be them? I don’t think so, you all know now.

Stranger things

These days and I am saying this with so much concern, I do not understand how I get to the bus stop just to find a CMS bus waiting fr me, dear people if you all have started remote jobs, let me know, give me your plug, I cannot believe this kind of things the drivers to CMS are becoming polite, they always seem to have change, NOOOOOOO, this is destroying the normal order of things in this town, no conductor and passenger have exchanged words in 2 weeks, 2 weeks guys.

DEA not Drug Enforcement Administration

But the way these ones are going they will soon take over the jobs of the real DEA, before you go further this is a rant. So I saw this banner where they said all the identified residents of the estate should help them so they can fight against trespassers and bandits yada yada yada and stuff like that and I am like yo guys this is not even a priority honestly, these bandits or whatever you are trying to prevent can easily wait for the rains to fall and swim into the estate from the closest ocean, it is just that simples be cause yall will not fix the water problems you have, so now people coming in for work are the problem, we are the problem?. This river that forms in Dolphin is so special that it got featured in Blood sisters episode 4.

Well, I just feel it is being overlooked because there is an alternative route, a second gate, if everyone in the estate had to pass that highrise gate whether there is water or not, they would have worked on it, or is there something I am missing? Is the problem really beyond the residents of the estate?

Friday

“Rain is just confetti from the sky” – Randomvibes

I disagree, rain is your village people shapeshifting.

Hmmm, this morning was an adventure, rain started as early as 6am this morning and waiting for it to stop did not really do the trick, I have not bought my umbrella and rain boots so I had to use a raincoat, guys a RAINCOAT, my big girl in this Lagos has finished finally finally, like this takes the cake. I waited for keke feeling very self-conscious in my raincoat and I did not find any so I had to trek to Costain, in the raincoat, the raincoat fam!😭

By the time I got to Costain, see passengers, I had not spent up to a minute when a bus came shouting CMS 300!, haba, a whole 300 because of the rain? well who had time to stop and think about that?, I found myself dragging my way into the bus, and I succeeded, but it’s not like being on the bus was any security, the bus was still dripping. See flood here and there. All of this was happening and the only thought on my mind was river Nile, you see what I said yesterday, not knowing that rain was going to herald my day today.

I got to Ijeh and normal na, the bus drivers there said they would only get to the gates of Dolphin, then we would have to swim the rest of the way, and forgot my slippers in the office yesterday. Thankfully, a girl was ordering a ride and asking for those who want to chip in, I quickly agreed and we took a ride, the moment we entered the car, all of us just begged the man to turn off his AC, my brothers and sisters that was how I got to work today oh, almost 2 hours late for work, but the trekking I did under this rain eh. because I used a raincoat, this rain washed away my entire skincare routine, I literally heard my Vitamin C serum say goodbye as it rolled down my cheeks.

So while I was on the bus to CMS this morning, I saw the man beside me reading a book it seemed interesting (I know because I peeped), but he did not seem like the bookish type, the book was so damn good that I could not resist, I had to ask him the title. then we looked at me and said “No be book oh, na news I dey read” if you see how embarrassed I was eh.

I am proud of YOU!. You made it to the end, if you liked it, please like, comment and share, if you did not, please tell me next week. Love ya!